Foot Bone Connected to the Head Bone

No one can make me happy about working at my crummy job.

For the past few months, due to mismanagement and bad planning, my job has been a brutal nightmare. If I were not already highly skilled and efficient at what I do, I would surely have fallen apart. But the fact that I can make up for failures elsewhere in The Corporation doesn’t mean I want to, or that I enjoy it, or that I should have to. I have complained about this all I dare in previous posts, so some who are reading this now are aware of my attitude. I’m a little grumpy.

Now, things are more or less back to normal and I don’t have to use my super powers to get the work done, and this annoys me, too. Mind you, I don’t take credit for this turn of events – it was just a happy accident. The various managers, supervisors, vice presidents and directors forgot to screw things up this month.

I refuse to act busy, so I find myself going around looking for things to do. At the Post Office or on a Teamster job, this might get me killed, but at my job they already think I’m a crazy misfit, so they barely notice.

I ran out of things to do by mid-afternoon, so I checked my email a thousand times, redesigned a form I want to start using, read a bunch of blogs and commented on a few, and then I just sat in my office for a while, sort of becoming one with the furniture. I tried to make my mind a blank, and it seemed to be working. But I looked in there and the thought that I found was this: I wonder if I can touch the top of my head with my big toe.

Think about it: The lowly foot getting to meet the head, home of the brain. They probably haven’t seen each other since I was a very little baby, made of some kind of highly flexible rubber. The only communication they’ve had for all these years would be the brain sending down orders to walk, or run, or stop. One-way orders, no discussion, no compromise, no warning. The only way the foot would have had any input is if it sent pain signals, or if it simply broke. If I could touch my head with my foot it would be like a chauffeur getting a sit-down with the CEO. Who knows what good might come of it?

Remembering my psychocybernetics, though, I thought it would be the better part of valor to simply imagine vividly that I was touching the top of my head with my foot. Because as you know, the mind cannot distinguish between a real event and one vividly imagined, and besides, I didn’t want to be carried out by my colleagues and driven to a hospital.

So I looked at my foot, gauged the distance and the bending that would be involved, and it only took a few seconds for me to say “Damn! I could actually do this.”

Of course, that was just a theory, and it had to be tested. So I closed my office door, took off my shoes and got down on the floor, and yes, it turns out that I can touch the top of my head with my big toe. Not only that, but I can do it with either foot. OK, I admit I had to grab my ankle and drag my foot up there, and I can’t put both feet up there at the same time, but what do you want? I’m putting it on my resume.

Sadly, the foot-brain conference did not take place. The foot got one look at the hideous haircut I got the other day, and went back to the garage, laughing.

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22 Replies to “Foot Bone Connected to the Head Bone”

  1. You have too much time on your hands at work. Ever think of writing prank sticky notes and just posting them randomly on people’s computer monitors? I actually did that a few times at my old, very boring job. I always gave my self a nasty sticky, so that I could participate in the “let’s find out who that bastard is” game, that always followed. What a hoot.

  2. What are you doing, trying to make me laugh? Glad you didn’t work in any joke about the song, “Take This Foot And Shove It” or I would not have been able to recover.

    What happened to the decorative picture? No illustrations this time? Too busy with Post-Its, perhaps?

    signed, Giggles

  3. That’s IT! That’s the blog picture I want of you! The one with both of your feet touching the top of your head at the same time! You’ll have to get a very good friend to take THAT photo! (Quite ironic that you blog about feet & I just posted my feet as my blog photo, hmmmmm)

  4. -g.d. – I could totally stay under the radar with that idea, since I have a well-known “No-stickies-on-my-monitor” policy.

    Ron – Right you are. I couldn’t think of any illustration for this post.

    tacit1 – I have, uh, exposed my real self in pictures on my blog more than most, and I keep getting advice to do it some other way. If I can get the picture you want, I’ll post it. In the meantime, I can totally identify you from that shot of your feet. Feet are like fingerprints, you know. You are so screwed now. Look out your window. See the guy in the rented Malibu?

  5. Brent – I would never bludgeon my boss with a tire iron, and you shouldn’t either. That’s just what they want you to do. I’d use one of those miniature Louisville Sluggers.

    L – Are you kidding? Where else could I get paid for Experimental DIY Yoga?

  6. tacit1 – If you were the one with no shoes on, yes, that was me.

    Chev – May I call you Chev? I may be up to mischief that I can’t blog about. Or I may just be sitting in my office like a worn-out gatepost, or a vice president.

  7. Jack – I think I completely agree with whatever the hell you said. I think.

    Kristi – I’m vividly imagining it, and I know I could lick your elbow. At work or at play, your call.

  8. I want to know how many readers couldn’t resist the impulse to see if they themselves could touch their toe to their head. I’m surely not the only one … although, I may be the only one who started in a chair and finished on the floor. Ouch!

    Hey Larry, could you be a pal and ring up my Chiro?

  9. Theresa – Were you able to do it? I really don’t know if it should be difficult. And what about the rest of you? Don’t leave Theresa out there by herself. Who can touch foot to head? With or without grabbing your own ankles? How about both feet at the same time? C’mon, people – it’s the weekend. Cut loose a little.

  10. I had no problem touching my toes to my head. The problem was related to grace and coordination, not bendiness. So, if we are just checking flexibility, I’m doing okay, however, if I’m also required to dance, move on to the next ballerina.

  11. Larry, love the pic. You look happy, confident…ready to take on the world. Let me know if you can hook me up with your drug dealer, because whatever he has you on is working wonders.

    BTW: Between you and me…(whisper voice)….I think “Kristi” is Kris or someone very close to him. I’ts kind of freaky.

  12. -G.D. – I’m high on cactus, sand and rocks (why would anybody want to go to the desert?). Also, I have a good feeling about Kristi. I think she is a she, and I don’t think Kris is devious enough to fake her blog. Plus, Kris is in the desert.

  13. Larry-I know how you feel, man. “Bored at Work” is my main expertise. One of these days, i’m going to wear my eye makeup in a way, that when I close my eyes, you still see two, wide open, brown eyes…I might be able to catch some sleep at work!

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