8:00 PM PST: U2 opens the show. Kind of Elvis Costello meets Subterranean Homesick Blues. Hey! “Recorded Earlier?” All day they’ve been saying this would be live. WTF?
8:03 PM: Whitney looks very relaxed. Wow, she’s really sucking up to Clive Davis. Is Jennifer Hudson wearing a bib? At least there’s no lobster on it.
8:06 PM: The Rock tries out his standup. He’s really got great teeth.
8:08 PM: This is not fair. Justin Timberlake gets to sing with Al Geen? Fucking Mousketeer. Al, please say you’re not seriously passing the torch to this little schmoe.
8:20 PM: I’m not crazy about Coldplay, but I wouldn’t blame Chris Martin if he got up from his piano and kicked that rapper off the stage. Right in the middle of a song! How rude!
8:26 PM: Carrie Underwood hoo ha ain’t she some bad rockin’ mama? Oh wait. This is country music.
8:31 PM: Sheryl Crow has a nice tan. I hope she’s not spending too much time in that old sun over Santa Monica Boulevard.
8:39 PM: I’m having a hard time paying attention to this “show.” I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish watching. They introduced Al Green and Duffy as “two winners already tonight,” but I don’t know what they won. Did I hear that right?
8:42 PM: Kid Rock, keeping alive the legacy of Alice Cooper.
8:47 PM: They keep teasing “Taylor Swift and Mylie Cyrus sing together for the first time.” Does that mean they plan to sing together more times in the future? Should we care about this?
8:48 PM: OK, Mylie, you are way out of your league. That older woman singing with you is much more professional.
8:50 PM: Robert Plant and Allison Krause. She didn’t hug him back when they won. What’s up with that?
8:58 PM: I wonder what those earrings are made out of that Jennifer Hudson is wearing? They seem like they would hurt. She did seem to be crying a little at the end there.
9:01 PM: Seems like a lot of commercial breaks. CBS must think a lot of people will watch this mess. I wonder why?
9:02 PM: OK, good spot about Guitar Hero, with the hot blonde doing a Tom Cruise to the old Seger song. But they blew it. She should have been somebody’s mom, and the family should have appeared at the end of the spot, looking at her like she was crazy for rockin’ so hard all by herself like that. That would have made me go out and buy whatever that thing is they’re selling.
9:07 PM: The Jonas Brothers have a new keyboard player. It’s Stevie Wonder! Bet he wouldn’t have passed their audition. Not up to their standards. What a bitter old man I have become!
9:12 PM: OMG! Blink 182 is back together! Music is saved! But the guy with the broken arm shouldn’t have had to open the envelope. That’s just cruel.
9:20 PM: Katie Perry. She’s cute, but you can tell when an act has no real content or substance by the HUGE production surrounding it. Remember Ricky Martin on the Grammy’s ten years ago? What spectacle! The costumes! The dancers! The percussionists! The brass section! The vacuousness!
9:25 PM: Kanye West. Silver lame jacket. Still complaining about not winning Best New Artist. Ooh, he is so outspoken and controversial! Whoever won it that year ought to just give it to him, so he’ll shut up.
9:29 PM: It kind of spoils the “live show” illusion when they show clips of upcoming performances.
9:40 PM: Record of the Year. Allison gave Robert a little pat on the arm this time. He gets back at her by not letting her speak.
9:42 PM: More commercials. I’m getting sleepy. Apparently they think McCartney is enough of a draw to keep us watching to the end. I have to clean the cat litter box. Hope I don’t miss the finale.
9:49 PM: Highlight of the night has got to be M.I.A. nine months preggers in a polka-dot bikini performing with the “rap pack.” She’s due TODAY, so we might have had an even better show than we did. What a trooper. Hope the baby isn’t injured.
9:54 PM: Macca kicks ass. He can still hit the high note in “I Saw Her Standing There,” and sing lead while playing eight to the bar on the bass.
10:12 PM: Hey, wait a minute. This thing is still on? I thought it was over at ten o’clock! Holy shit, that Adele has a powerful voice, and she belts it out seemingly with no effort. She’ll be around for a long time, i predict. Not like that Katie Perry or Ricky Martin.
10:18 PM: Radiohead with the USC marching band. Weird, but effective. Gwyneth — call me.
10:56 PM: I guess I’m too old for this. The only part of the show that moved me in the past half hour was the list of dead people. Somebody please leave a comment here about what a great show this was, and how exciting the current crop of new musicians and singers is, so I will know once and for all that I’m totally out of it. Otherwise, it seems to me that we are in a music recession, as well as an economic one.
I’m going to bed. Let me know how it ends.