Postal For the Holidays

So, Merry Christmas, everybody.

We’ve started to receive anonymous telephoned death threats at my office. The first calls came in the weekend before Thanksgiving. On Monday of that week I arrived to find my usual entrance was locked, and there was a typed sign on the door that read “Please Use Front Door.” I dutifully went to the front door and was confronted by uniformed cops. Not confronted, actually, but they gave me the once-over as I entered. Later I discovered that all the doors except that one were locked, so the police could see everyone who entered, and presumably trap the crazed gunman or booby-trapped terrorist inside the building. Personally I’d rather unlock the doors and get him outside the building and way down the street, pretty much as soon as possible. Cops will be cops, I guess.

When this first started one of the managers of my company went home, and he hasn’t been back to work for over a week. In the beginning I was told that the death threats were directed at him, and he was concerned for his safety and for his family. This made sense to me, as he is a miserable tyrant who attempts to demand respect without earning it. Nobody likes him – not his staff nor his customers. I’ve never met his family but I imagine they are not too pleased that he is now home with them 24/7. He has few discernible job skills and no tact or social grace. So yeah, who wouldn’t want to blow him away?

But now I hear from someone who spoke to the wannabe killer on the phone that the threats were somewhat generic, and any one of us could be in for it. (Disclaimer: I do not take this seriously in any way, despite the locked doors, police presence and now undercover security guards. You shouldn’t worry about me any more than I am worrying, which is not at all.) In the interest of not further compromising my already sketchy anonymity and losing my crummy job, I can’t utter the exact nature of our business here, but let it suffice to say that most people would like nothing better than to unleash a violent, bloody attack on our kind.

So where does this one guy get off taking the threat personally, and taking a whole bunch of time off to boot? The only positive thing I can see here is that maybe his fear has made him aware that he is a turd who needs to mend his ways a la Scrooge before it’s too late. But even that shining light is dimmed by the fact that he is getting a lot of free time while I have to stay here and work!

Well, I have a “real” office (closet-sized, but real) with a locking solid-core door and walls that go all the way up to the ceiling (eat your hearts out, cubicle workers). I have brought my pile of cheap supermarket Christmas CD’s to keep up my spirits and my adoring wife packs a lunch for me every day, so I could hold out in here for a couple of days in the event of a siege-slash-hostage-situation.

Now excuse me while I check the employee manual to see about hazardous duty pay.

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22 Replies to “Postal For the Holidays”

  1. I guess that a random stick of dynamite could go off anywhere, any time, so I won’t worry about you more than I usually worry. Still, it’s easier to get through the day with the usual dish of Jonesian dog chow than without.

    So, repel all boarders!

  2. For some odd reason, I get the biggest kick out of making shit of people who over-react to situations like this. It sounds like you do too. If I’m going to over-react to something, it’s got to be more personal than a random, anonymous death threat.

    At the same time, watch your back, Sweets. There really are a few crazy stupid people out there.

  3. Ron – The police don’t seem to want to repel this boarder. They want to trap him in there with us.

    Jack – Good idea. We can invite the maniac in for a cocktail, then discuss his grievance.

    Theresa – There are a few crazy stupid ones inside, too. But I have surplus Iraqi Freedom body armor.

  4. Am I the only one squirming with curiosity here? I would love to know what it is you do that could possibly make you a target for homicide.

    Also, what wife is this? I’m crushed.

  5. Steph – That stuff is so seventies. I’ll stay with the skinny tie look.

    Erin – Sorry. I’m pretending to be anonymous and blogging only about a generic job, not the specific one I actually have, even though they probably log every keystroke.
    Also, crushed? Am I not your honorary husband? I am ever faithful.

  6. Interesting, they give mimes offices? That’s the only job I can think of that would encourage, and I quote: “most people would like nothing better than to unleash a violent, bloody attack on our kind.”

  7. HappyFunBall – Where the HELL have you been? Yes, I am a mime. My secret shame is revealed.

    kStyle – This awful brush with Death has caused me to rethink my entire life, and all my philosophical positions. As a result I have more than 50 years of fresh posts still to come, contradicting everything I’ve said.

  8. “So where does this one guy get off taking the threat personally, and taking a whole bunch of time off to boot? The only positive thing I can see here is that maybe his fear has made him aware that he is a turd ”

    You called in that death threat didn’t cha?! Hee hee.

    Wife? Huh? What?

  9. I’m glad you’re holding up well under the circumstances. I think I’d be more than a little distracted. And that manager is pulling a GWB after 9/11, huh? Was he reading a children’s story about a little goat when the death threats came in? Awesome leadership. Be careful and HIDE if it gets hairy! Heroes get shot.

  10. Jayne – He was checking horserace results on the internet. I’m sure he wasn’t wagering, because that would be wrong. Discretion being the better part of valor, I am not likely to get shot during any heroics.

    Dick – CD’s are cranked. Threat is being ignored. I am not disturbed. My guy is still away from his post. If this works past the new year, I will be calling in death threats myself, specifically naming me as the target.

  11. Larry, this is what happens when you skin small furry animals in the course of your job and you incur the wrath of PETA.

    Seriously man, what do you do?

    Oh, and in the course of my job my colleagues and I were recently followed around by two rather large men holding a mysterious object wrapped in a cloth. Contracts for employment should come with a clause concerning hazard pay, I swear.

    And to answer your previous query, ‘Djarum’ is pronounced ‘ja-room’.

  12. Dick the Boomer – The tagging is not my cup of tea. But it’s not your fault. I’ll see what it is you want, and maybe I’ll be able to play.

    Slink – I could tell you, but then you’d have to kill me. Or at least, you’d want to.

    kStyle – At first we were sure it was a disgruntled client. Then we decided it might possibly be one of us, a disgruntled coworker. Now the suspicion is centered around the supposed “target.” The betting is on whether he will go through with it, and actually off himself.

    T1 – Does this change anything between us?

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