Running

My main computer at home is farkled, so I have to work on that when I can, instead of blogging.

It has been a rough couple of months at my crummy job, and I am worn out from the stress. I don’t feel like fixing this computer. I feel like going out and buying a new one, but the screws have been tightening at work, and now it’s a close call as to whether I will get fired or quit pretty soon. So I have to conserve my money, which means I will have to geek around with the computer until I get it working again, which means I may not be writing for a little while.Under Stress

Being in this position at my job makes me feel like a loser. I’m smart and educated and I’ve worked all my life, a much longer time frame than I even want to admit right now, and all I have to show for it is a crummy job from which I will never have the wherewithal to retire, part of a corporation that doesn’t have a clue, in an industry that makes most of its’ money doing things that would be illegal in a just world, under the thumb of a swaggering, big-mouthed egomaniac who in a battle of wits would be unarmed.

I try to let the shit roll off me, and considering my underlying attitude I guess I’ve been doing that pretty well. I try to tell myself that being there is like going through the looking glass into an upside down world, and that my real life starts when I walk out each day, but the corporation is so in my face lately that it’s getting too difficult to forget about it when I’m not there.

I wish I were earning my living doing something I loved. I have said that I would play blues in a corner bar for hot dogs, but I really can’t do that. I don’t want to go into the whole mess right now, but I have responsibilities and as bad as the crummy job is, it gives me a regular — albeit minimal — paycheck and health benefits.

So I have become the gray, plodding, broken man that I mocked when I was a brash youth, and I owned the world. Sorry, Dad. I didn’t know how life can beat you down, how you can get hooked on the money, trapped into doing things you loathe, running as fast as you can just to stay in the same place.

And feeling the knot of fear in your stomach when you realize you’re not even staying in the same place. You are slipping behind.

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I’m OK. Maybe what I wanted to say is that, while I’ll be busy working on the hardware for a bit, 2007 will be a big year for revision99, so stay tuned. As always, my heart skips only for you.

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9 Replies to “Running”

  1. Oh, Larry, your job…I’m sorry.

    I’m going to send you a book. Do not be alarmed by the unexpected package from Amazon (or one of their sellers).

    Here’s to a better 2007…

  2. You’ve inspired me!
    We have plenty of choices. One is to keep doing the same thing, but as you’ve noted, that doesn’t seem to be working very well these days.
    How ’bout we do this together? We’ll both free ourselves. We can celebrate with a song or something.

  3. I’m so tired, I haven’t slept a wink
    I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink
    I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
    No,no,no.

    I’m so tired I don’t know what to do
    I’m so tired my mind is set on you
    I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do

    You’d say I’m putting you on
    But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm
    You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain
    You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane
    You know I’d give you everything I’ve got
    for a little peace of mind

    I’m so tired, I’m feeling so upset
    Although I’m so tired I’ll have another cigarette
    And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
    He was such a stupid git.

    BEATLES

  4. Oh, Larry, I know, I know.

    the thing is, it’s a plot. there aren’t “plotters,” per se, but part of the alienation of a capitalist/patriarchal society encourages all the people who’re unhappy to see the unhappiness as a function of their own loser qualities, rather than as a structural condition of their lives, and one that is largely out of their control. I get sucked into that, too, as you well know.

    You’re not a loser, Larry. You’re doing the right thing–saving your money while you can. Next up, finding a new job, though, of course, that could be a challenge.

    Alas, those of us who have Not Worked Up To Our Potential are not in a good position to be giving you advice, however.

    I still love you, though.

  5. Wow. Becoming your dad really sucks, Larry. The second I feel myself becoming my mother I will perform hari kari in an arena setting. I can relate to the changes in life getting you down though. I go through those same pangs daily myself.

  6. kStyle – A book! I can hardly wait. Wait — What book?

    Theresa – Are you thinking Rio?

    Ron – Good song.

    Goldie – Alienation. That’s it. That’s the right word. Love you, too.

    SJ – I can’t believe it’s you. And I do feel your pangs.

  7. Yeah, the first time I read Marx, the whole part about the worker being alienated from his (and, presumably, her) labor completely baffled me. The fact that I was about 19 probably is the best explanation I can offer. As I’ve come to understand it better, I’ve come to see it as central. Just because Marx’s predictions haven’t come true yet doesn’t mean his analyses were wrong.

  8. Oh, Larry. I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. I remember feeling that exact same way at my old job. And one day, I just walked out. I had quit, but my boss wouldn’t accept my quitting. He just ignored me. So, I just ended up packing up and leaving one day.

    Can you try to put your effort and energy into trying to find another job? I know that’s lame advice, but sometimes you just get stuck in neutral. Maybe you could use the energy from your anger and angst and try to find a new one? I know there’s no perfect job, seeing as most jobs include working with actual live human beings who drive you straight up a wall. But, maybe it would help for a little while?

    I wish I could think of something better. Here’s to a *much* better 2007 for Larry!

  9. Goldie – I don’t think I know Marx. What floor is he on?

    Blue Girl – Wow. They wouldn’t let you quit? I guess I should count my blessings!

    Hey, thanks eveybody for the encouraging words! You’ve cheered me and made me think, and as you know, I love you all. After I take down my tree, I’ll be drunk driving on the Information Superhighway on New Year’s Eve, wringing out 2006 and ringing in ’07. See you then!

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