Wise Up, Lesley

So Johnny took off during your birthday party.

[Listen]

Strolled right off into the night with Judy and left you, his “real” girlfriend, shocked and in tears. He was supposed to be yours, wasn’t he? You gave your love to him, and only him, never let any other guys touch your heart, or anyplace else. You daydreamed about him in class almost all day, waited for him after school, defended him when the other girls dissed him, which they did a lot, especially that bitch Judy, she seemed to have a real thing against him. Ha! If you knew then what you know now! Shoulda killed them both, is what you shoulda done.

Playin’ my records, keep dancin’ all night.
Leave me alone for a while.
Till Johnny’s dancin’ with me
I’ve got no reason to smile.

Cause now look: Your Sweet Sixteen party, streamers and balloons all over the rumpus room, Mom and Dad coolin’ it up in their room, trusting you, as they should because you’re a good girl. Half the junior class is there, stacks of 45’s loud on the Magnavox hi fi, Dad’s pride and joy, blasting Frankie Avalon and the various Bobby’s, all the kids dancing, all the kids looking, and where’s Johnny? And where’s Judy, the snotty little priss?

Judy and Johnny just walked through the door
Like a queen with her king.
Oh what a birthday surprise:
Judy’s wearin’ his ring!

Go ahead and cry, sweetheart. I would cry, too, if it happened to me. I mean, you thought you knew Johnny. Gosh, you thought you knew Judy, too, come to think of it. How could you have been so wrong? How could Johnny be so mean? You must have felt like the pain would never go away. Right in the middle of all that noise, all that action, on your Big Day, your 16th birthday, your special day, the day you knew you were finally a woman, right in the middle of all that, you are suddenly alone, and not just alone, but shunned!

You must wonder if there’s something wrong with you. You feel so mixed up, so rejected, so humiliated, and right in front of everybody. You think you will never live this down.

Johnny’s a weasel. Don’t give him another thought. Johnny and Judy, Judy and Johnny. They deserve each other! They should get married as soon as possible. Yeah, let ‘em get hitched and have kids. They’ll be stuck in hell, which is right where they belong. They don’t really love each other, not with the kind of love you’re capable of, and they’ll wake up after it’s too late. They’ll be livin’ in a dump by the river, and Johnny’ll be working at the A&P, a stone chain smoker and a doper with shaky hands. Judy’ll be home with the kids and a fifth of cheap gin, drunk in the afternoon, distant on the night before.

Oh, yeah. Don’t give it another thought.

UPDATE: Thanks to my copy editor friend Dana for telling me the correct spelling of “Lesley.”

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7 Replies to “Wise Up, Lesley”

  1. What about the sequel song “Judy’s Turn to Cry”?

    If memory serves, the main refrain goes like this, after we learn that Johnny is back in our heroine’s arms:

    But now it’s
    Judy’s turn to cry
    Judy’s turn to cry
    Judy’s turn to cry
    Cuz…
    Johnny’s come back…
    To me

    Well, what exactly brought Johnny back, hmmm?

  2. Wow! How apropos of my own deranged (but diligent) thoughts this morning.

    On that note…

    I showed up and was immediately struck by the, sorry to say, but stay with me here, inaccuracy of your tag-line.

    Much like the would-that-it-was-merely-urban-legend oven baked banana skin, you have yet to “harsh my mellow”. Though, and most unlike that afore-mentioned (and oh-so ill-advised,) musically immortalized vegetable cookie, you have provided more than a morsel or so of bread for my head to digest and delight in.

    But, what is the impetus for this posting? I’m not aware of your having any kiddos (tho, pardon me, s’il vous plait, if’n I should be, but have cluelessly missed this info) who might be experiencing this inevitability of life on our blue bauble.

    Good luck, irregardless!

    😉

  3. Well, Larry Jones has been harshing my mellow forever.

    And so has Johnny. And Lesley too. *And* that trollop, Judy. All a bunch of mellow harshers.

    You know Larry, you got me on a 50s car crash song kick after I read this post.

    Lucky for Lesley, all she did was get dumped. She could’ve been a teen angel!

  4. Ron – Finger on the pulse, as always.

    Caravana Basura – That sequel is odious, and shows that Lesley did not take my advice.

    Holly – She did think that. You know how pissed off a woman can get over stuff like this. She didn’t do it, though.

    Michael Bains – No kiddos. Just thought the singer need some fatherly advice.

    Blue Girl – Those wild teens and their car crashes. I should give them a little advice, too.

  5. My mom always sang along with it thus and so…

    No one can tell me where Johnny has been
    But Judy left to save time

    …and my sisters and I would say, “Save TIME??? What kind of anxious hussy IS this Judy???”

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