Posted on by Larry Jones

Shake Your Coffee Maker

Behold the grandeur that is the Melitta ME10TDS Digital Coffeemaker!

Sensuous brushed aluminum surfaces. Stainless steel thermal carafe. Imposing. Important. Taller than a runway model. A coffeemaker that tells your friends “This is the coffeemaker of an imposing, important man, who doesn’t have time to brew a pot of the best-tasting coffee in the world when he wakes up to begin his important day, so I, the Melitta ME10TDS Digital Coffeemaker, will wait all night and then start myself up and brew his coffee automatically, five minutes before reveille, like only the very best wives would do.”

This was the promise. OK, I admit I was seduced by her looks. I mean, look at her. She’s gorgeous. From the first minute I saw her, I wanted her. I knew she would be high maintenance, but I thought we could work things out. And let me tell you, the honeymoon was rockin’! I thought the buzz would never end.

But the problems started after only a couple of months. First she stopped brewing coffee automatically in the mornings. I took over myself, and did it manually. She became lazy and her appearance went to hell. Eventually, she even refused to make a full pot of coffee. As I told you in this post, she would make a few cups and then stop without telling me. I’d have to start her up again manually, only to have her quit on me again after a couple more cups. The coffee tasted bad, as the grounds were drying out several times during the process. Eventually we weren’t making beautiful coffee together at all.

I couldn’t help myself. A new coffeemaker caught my eye. Shorter and plainer. No grandiose promises, but practical-looking, and no nonsense. This one, I thought, might be one I can live with. Maybe, I thought, we can build something together. Melitta had already checked out, and so I brought this new one home. I’m happy to report the coffee is once again fantastic. This one, a Cuisinart, says she will make coffee automatically in the morning, but I have decided against it. I’ll carry my own weight around here from now on, and perhaps there will be less bitterness in this new relationship.

The Melitta ME10TDS Digital Coffeemaker? Last time I saw her she was hanging out with the garbage cans in the alley, the trollop.
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14 Replies to “Shake Your Coffee Maker”

  2. I enjoyed that.

    The way I look at it, the more options and cool little things any device can do, the more likely that something can go wrong.

    Complexity.

    I use one of those aluminum, stove top espresso makers that makes 6 six cups of delicious, rich, sweet concentrated caffeine goodness. You put water in the bottom container, grounds in the middle gasket, screw on and heat up. Simple.

  5. I completely agree with Adrian. If something is too complicated, it’s likely to break, and I’m probably not going to be able to fix it myself.

    Good luck with your new girl. I hope she makes it just how you like it.

  7. Wow, that first pic had me feeling like one of the apes in the opening scene of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Then I went on to read about how that awesome beauty betrayed you and had to shake my head. The lesson today: you shouldn’t trust appliances that are too beautiful. They are appliances, after all, and supposed to just work, dammit.

  8. GFI – She was a beauty, but she wouldn’t put out.
    Theresa – You know things should break. That’s how we get new things.
    Brent – Power tools to make coffee? I’m just not that macho.
    Steph – The thing really did look look like that monolith. It didn’t make me evolve and get smart, however.

  9. Me man. Me like shiny stuff. Preferably with buttons.

    Me evolve one day. Get more shiny stuff. Get more buttons.

    I go play with tire. Tire fun. I never tire of playing with tire. If tire was shiny, with buttons, me like tire even more.

    Sorry. I need a double espresso, STAT! This gorilla cage cub-a-ma-whatsit is driving me crazy.

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