Who’s Controlling the Weather If Not The Russians?

I pretty much can’t stand to hear any more about the Israeli-Hezbollah brouhaha.

I think the thing to do now is to encourage them to fight it out to the finish, but make ’em use only weapons they built themselves. No F-16’s, no katyusha rockets, no M-16’s or Kalashnikov rifles, and definitely no cluster bombs. That would leave just Uzi’s and car bombs, so the combatants would have to walk or drive right up to each other. My hope is that at close proximity they’d recognize their common humanity, lay down their arms and go to Starbucks for lattes (decaf for the Muslims, of course).

What is wrong with those people having a war in the desert, ten days into a worldwide heat wave? Isn’t it bad enough just living in the desert? And hey – worldwide heat wave? Didn’t we just have one of those a couple of years ago? Killed all those elderly French people? I bet they’ve got air conditioners over there this year (French readers, please let me know. So I won’t worry.). Too bad the cows in Fresno don’t have AC in the barn.

Locally, due to the worldwide heat wave, I nearly had an underpants crisis. Shocking, I know, but it’s a dangerous world, and I live very near the edge of it. It’s been so f*cking hot in my town for the past two weeks that I’ve had a few multiple shower days. I’d get all sweaty reading blogs or washing the car, then I’d cool off by taking a nice refreshing shower. After that, who wants to put on the sweat-drenched previously-worn boxer briefs, even if I’d only been wearing them for twenty minutes? Not me, let me tell you, so I’d have to get a fresh pair out of the drawer cuz there’s no way I’m going without, damn the consequences.

Boxer briefs are the perfect undergarment for me. I can’t make up my mind about anything: Hunter or vegan? Musician or wage slave? Mozart or Beethoven? PC or Mac? Boxers or briefs? I don’t know how long the boxer brief has been around, but I made the switch this year. Committed fully to them. Hybrid underpants. Snug like briefs, long like boxers. Sure, they look ridiculous, but no more than like bicycle pants, and those are worn right out on the street. The important thing is I didn’t have to decide which way to go. Boxer briefs. The best – and worst – of both worlds.

And under ordinary weather conditions I have enough boxer briefs to get me from laundry day to laundry day. One a day is usually enough, since I almost never have those embarrassing “accidents” any more. But what with the frequent bathing (because of the worldwide heat wave) it was touch and go near the end of the current laundry cycle and it looked for a while like I might have to go back to those shiny acrylic bikinis I got during the Reagan administration. I don’t mind saying I was down to one shower a day there for the last few days.

But you’ll be happy to know that I made it, and all is well now. I had to remain perfectly motionless for the past 48 hours, but I again have a drawer full of fresh, fluffy folded underpants, so when you see me, you will know that I am modestly but stylishly underclothed.

Speaking of underclothed, here’s a story about the latest way to beat the worldwide heat wave: Tubing on the river, with strippers! I especially like the city councilman who is worried because, he says, they “…are trained to take off their clothes.” Hooah.

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*Yes, I am f*cking censoring myself, bcause it turns out that words may have powers of their own, and you can’t be too careful.

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10 Replies to “Who’s Controlling the Weather If Not The Russians?”

  1. hey larry, why are you now putting asterisks in the F word? you seem like someone who speaks his mind . . . i sometimes worry about swearing on my blog, there’s an expletive every now & then, i try not to be gratuitous, but sometimes you just need THAT word, nothing else will do . . . nmj

  2. no idea what gravatar is, looked it up, my eyes just glaze over with all this fancy weblog stuff, i can barely cope with blogger, does it just mean you’d have a picture when you comment? you have that option in blogger if you wish, i like the wee bunny, it is sweet, i think photos can distract from the words which are more important …

  3. nmj – You must have missed my footnote. Wordpower, babe. I’ll write a post about it soon.

    kStyle – Thank you, and yeah, I could really use some sporks, if you have any extra. Unless you have some spatuloons.

    Ron – Looks like your wait is over.

    nmj (again) – We had Fun With Gravatars here at revision99 in the recent past. If you are bored out of your mind, you can check here and here and here for the grisly details.

  4. Dave is a big fan of the boxer briefs. but wait: you FOLD your underwear? WHY?

    then again, there are several household-chore-type things that i will not do (make the bed, dry dishes (because if you let them sit there, it will happen without any work on your part), fold underwear, or sort athletic socks if they’re all the same style/brand/size).

  5. Goldie – Didn’t your mom ever tell you to always wear clean underwear, so if you were in an accident you wouldn’t be embarrassed when the paramedics cut your clothes off? This is kind of like that, only in my scenario the paramedics come to my house and look through my underwear drawer.

  6. Hey Larry, I did see the footnote & it made me wonder what the hell is going on! I don’t want you to be censoring yourself. British bloggers don’t tend to swear that much (on their blogs), Americans do it with more flair and verve, I like it, don’t stop. I tend to use the F word a lot in everday speech, more than I should, so I try & keep my blog F free, maybe once a week, and I suppose I don’t want to appear crass, especially since I’m a writer & we’re supposed to have wide vocabs & never be lost for words…I will look into your gravatar tricks later.

  7. Except they’ll be so taken with my silky little bits (or repulsed by my ratty stained stuff, depending on which drawer/part of the drawer through which they rummage) that they won’t notice whether it’s folded. And, when possible, I like to go without underwear–especially when I’m wearing a dress and there’s a nice breeze . . .

  8. Thanks for sharing, Larry. I’m going to seriously consider Boxer Briefs. Seriously. I almost never have those embarrassing accidents anymore either. Mine is more like a leaky faucet.

    “Make ’em use only weapons they built themselves.” That’s a better idea than the Boxer Briefs – believe it or not!

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