Man, I wish I could just take a pill and be happy.
You think it’s easy being an intelligent, introspective man? Let me tell you, it’s a tough gig. I have to engage in so many activities to keep my mind off the waking nightmares that stalk my mind: tsunamis, neoconservatives, office politics, nepotism, what others might think of me, bills, money, mortality (mine), fear of artistic/financial/social/sexual failure.
In order to avoid dwelling on these things I have to go to movies, make movies, work out, play guitar, build or upgrade a computer every six weeks, make and drink pot after pot of gourmet coffee, telephone friends, write songs, sing songs and jack myself off with this blog (and sometimes without it). Even staying busy at my crummy job gets me through the day.
Sitting idle for more than a few minutes turns my mind inward, and it’s dark in there. I wonder if other people have that darkness, too, and if they’re afraid of it. Is everybody on the treadmills at the gym running from something? (Disclaimer: I don’t go to a gym. I see these people through the windows. The whole gym thing is another post.) Or are they just working out? I wish I knew. I wish I knew if the chaos inside me is inside everybody. Sometimes I’m sure it is, and other times I think I’m the only one.
Most Saturdays I spend completely alone, just me and whatever blows through my mind, so if I’m smart I get a few diversions going. Today I was only half-smart, which is what led to this little outburst. I enjoy most of the activities listed above (except for working and working out — hmm, seems to be some kind of connection there…) but I wonder how I can hit that state of feelin’ alright naturally. High on life, as it were, not evading the demons, just not even fucking knowing about them.
And now for some cheery lyrics by Leonard Cohen:
I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it’s just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let’s not talk of love or chains and things we can’t untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.