revision99

I haven’t written in more than a week,

because I haven’t felt like writing. A whole bunch of life is happening to me, and it’s going by so fast that I can’t find time to blog it. This will be the gap when I’m old (OK, when I’m really old) and I’m trying to remember what I was doing just before I spent that mad year in Rio, with that crazy, crazy redhead from that goofy modern dance troupe. I will try to refer to my blog, because I know that blogs are forever, and all that I write will remain here for me and the world to read for all eternity, or until the ozone layer is completely gone and the entire human race has departed for another star system, lush green and yellow and silver planets that beckon and welcome, hiding their deadly secrets until all of the spaceships have been dismantled and beaten into plowshares…

But long before the Great Exodus, I will be a doddering old geezer yelling “URL, schmoo-R-L! Just find that blog!” And the great great grandchildren with their Intel Argos Brainchips will call up Google and frantically search the database of over 50 trillion blogs and vanity web sites for some record that I ever wrote anything at all, much less described the goings-on of June, 2006 but instead they will keep getting sidetracked by pictures of Paris Hilton going down on Jenna Bush, the future First Lady and President of the United States, before the Last Election, in 2032.

But I haven’t felt like writing, and so nothing will be found. I feel bad about this, although I know I’ll get over it before I am a doddering old coot. I feel bad because I keep thinking this would be a cool opening sentence - and then I could go on to show how this is a good example of… but right about then something else swoops into my mind and washes that idea away, and I’m not telling you what idea it was because I have no fucking idea, because I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to remember it five minutes later.

It now occurs to me that perhaps these are symptoms of already being a doddering old fool, much as the overuse of italics could be seen as a sign of a decreasing facility with language and thus a need to resort to ever more typographical tricks to make one’s writing seem vibrant and relevant, emphasis callously and frivolously superimposed over meaningless text in a pathetic effort to fool you, the reader, whom I love desperately. I know, you’re thinking “He’s saying that because he knows he’s the reader, and of course he loves himself, the narcissistic fool.”

Ah, but do I love myself? Maybe I loathe myself. How would you know, really? Notice how you only have to replace the “v” in love with “ath” to totally reverse the meaning? Merely a coincidence? I think not, and you’d think not, too, if you just thought about it.

So, what’s everybody doing for summer vacation? I’m planning to catch up on the laundry, maybe shellac a few picture frames. I could come over if you need some company. I’m a little eccentric, but I totally hide it in public, so you wouldn’t be embarrassed. I could bring some killer weed. I don’t have any, but I’d get some if you wanted it. We could pitch a tent in the back yard and stay in it all night, and tell your parents not to come and check on us no matter what.

So I was freaked out that the voters in San Diego apparently haven’t had enough political corruption.

I wrote about it right after the June 6 election in California. It seems that noted Republican bribe-taker Randy “Duke” Cunningham was unable to serve as their congressional representative any longer because he was in prison - hello? - and I was hoping the voters down there would send a message to the Republican Party that the fun was coming to an end. I thought they could send that message by not electing another Republican, but to my surprise, on the morning of June 7, the Republican won it in a close race.

So the guy (Brian Bilbray) is already sworn in, which I’m sure must be some kind of a record for swearing people in - isn’t there supposed to be some waiting period, for certification or something? - but now it turns out that the whole election was a sham! Imagine this: a Republican wins a close race, has a quickie swearing in and marches off to Washington, only now it turns out that the voting machines they used were severely compromised, and no one knows for sure if the vote count was accurate, or even close! Does any of this sound familiar?

According to Brad Friedman (BradBlog):

The election was run on highly hackable Diebold voting machines that were sent home overnight and unsecurely with poll workers for days prior to the election which rendered the machines both illegal and uncertified for use in the election under both federal and state laws, requirements and statutes. The GOP has since rushed to swear-in Bilbray before the votes were counted, or the election even certified by the state of California.

In case you don’t want to track down all of these links, allow me to summarize: The Diebold voting machines have been examined by computer experts, who say they would have no trouble changing the software and the operating system in two minutes without a password. In light of this vulnerability, the State of California has a bunch of rules about securing the “chain of custody” of these machines prior to and following any election. Mainly, the idea is to ensure that the machines are not tampered with. But the San Diego registrar of voters, needing some temporary storage in the week preceding this past election, sent a number of the voting machines home with volunteer poll workers, to be stored in their spare bedrooms, garages, back porches, etc., and completely without official supervision.

This is against state and federal law, and it completely invalidates the results of the election as reported so far. The only way to know who won is to do a hand recount. I don’t know if this is even possible, but a complication might be that the newly “elected” official is already sworn in.

I’m not going to say that the Republicans are pulling a fast one here, but this is symbolically a very important election, and there is considerable evidence that the GOP is willing to do anything to stay in power (see Florida, 2000 and Ohio, 2004). Will Democrats roll over again, not wanting to be perceived as sore losers? At what point will the American voters say “Enough!”?

Personally, I’ve had enough. I think today maybe I will officially join the conspiracy theorists. Just because I have a crazy look in my eyes doesn’t mean I’m wrong about this. Elections have been and are being stolen, people. Get a good laugh at my expense if you like, but if you don’t think the power structure in this or any other country won’t do what it takes to stay in power and keep you out, take a look at some newsreel footage of the 1968 Chicago police attacks on demonstrators at the Democratic National Convention. The radical right wingnuts in this administration have done all they can to subdue the population short of shooting us.

Are we going to wait for that to start again?

If, like me, you are a little concerned about this, here’s something you can do: There is an online petition at Velvet Revolution. The form will be sent to the Busby campaign, the San Diego registrar’s office and California Secretary of State Bruce McPherson’s office. You may also send your personal comments only to your nearest daily local newspaper as well if you select that option. A recount might not change the outcome of this election, but we must defend the integrity of our electoral system. If we lose our faith in it we’re in for a rough ride.

Note: For the time being, the main page of The Brad Blog will be a good place to read about this story. If you happen to be reading this post at some time in the future, after President Jeb Bush has declared blogs illegal, relevant information can probably be found here.

Stalkers: This is not me.

The guy in the second paragraph. Leave him alone. He’s not guilty. I’ve never even been to Pittsburgh. Also, my oath to the Vikings would preclude me operating on this particular patient. Nothing personal, you understand. Just benign neglect.

Because sometimes, you just need to laugh.

I don’t remember where I first heard this joke. I think my brother told it to me. It was long and convoluted, and when I started telling it, it kept getting longer and convoluteder. I think this was partly because the setup has to be just right for the punchline to work, and partly because I knew I was going to crack up before I got to the end and be unable to utter the final words, so I was always playing for more time, trying to choke back the guffaws. In fact, if you’re like me, when you repeat this, you will probably find yourself falling apart on the next-to-last line of the joke, the one that sets up the payoff, because it’s funny in itself, and because you will not be able to not think of the next line.

It comes off way better when you hear it rather than when you read it - it’s that kind of a joke - so, because I spare no effort for you, the Precious Few who read this blog, I have a video presentation, for your chuckling pleasure. The guys in the video get right to the point because, unlike me, they’re joke-telling professionals.
Now without further ado, I give you…

Click on the link above and have a great, fun, laughing weekend!

Wow, I forgot I had a blog!

My head has been in the sand. Well, not in the sand. I don’t know where it’s been. You know how it is - you get busy doing something else, then when you turn back, your head is gone. Off who knows where, doing who knows what with who knows whom. That’s what happened to me, and I still haven’t found my head. I have nothing to say, and everything. I won’t be able to fit it all in, though, so here’s some Random Jottings:

• I am freaked out that down in San Diego, where Republican Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham got caught taking bribes and is actually doing time, they went ahead and elected another Republican to take his place. I was hoping the voters there would be sending a message to the Repubs that the party is over. But it’s a Republican district, and I guess reality has yet to set in there.
• I heard Billy Collins, former Poet Laureate of The United States, on Fresh Air (NPR) this evening. He’s an interesting guy, and one of the things he said was that he likes to get bored. The reason for this is that he has discovered that his bursts of creativity always follow periods of no action. He thinks he needs to have nothing going on for a while, and then his mind starts working on his art. I’m not sure this same formula would work for me, but hey- he’s the (former) Poet Laureate. Maybe there’s something I can learn from him. I’ve always assumed I could live my life any way I wanted, allow an unlimited number of distractions, porn stars, copulating possums, stick people on the backs of SUV’s, and then sit down at a moments’ notice and write a snappy new song. Since that hasn’t been working for a while, maybe I need to try and figure out what are the best conditions for me, and then see if I can precipitate some creative juices.
• I am shocked, shocked, that the Republicans have brought up gay marriage as an issue going into the midterm election season. Now that the evil, godless Democrats (along with seven apparently godless Republicans) have blocked the Senate from approving a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, the GOP can use it as a club to beat up liberals all the way to the polls this November. Jeez, can you guys be any more transparent? You don’t care about these things except at election time. And we know that you know that almost nobody else cares about them either - just a rabid minority of religious, bigoted right-wingnuts who will go out and vote for these wacky proposals and what’s this? Democrats on the ballot? Out with them!! I keep thinking this can’t possibly work again, but the voters keep shocking me. Is there some way I can denounce this behavior without implying that the electorate, whom I love, truly, is just plain stupid?
• There are twenty-six bones in the human foot, mine included, and I guess I am going to break them all, one by painful one, before I am through, which must be coming pretty soon now. However, the Ace Bandage will have to go down as one of the great inventions of humankind, right after clumping kitty litter.
• There are firings going on at work now. Our know-nothing corporate masters are “making some changes,” so what was previously just low morale has degenerated into abject fear. The Executive Manager is a dead man walking, and the underlings he brought with him are very nervous. People are gathering their personal items together, just in case. Account reps are slipping quietly into my office and casually inquiring if it would ever be possible to get the computer to spit out a list of their clients, with phone numbers and mailing addresses. Those who are not afraid are disgusted. Others, like me, are too numb to be anything other than bemused. Wish me luck, people, or I may be coming to live with one of you.
• Hey, those wacky Scientologists are entering NASCAR racing! I can never read the stuff that’s screened onto the hoods of those cars. They’re moving, what? a hundred and fifty miles an hour, aren’t they? If it weren’t for the easily recognizable colors and logos of the various sponsors/purveyors of alcohol and tobacco, I would have no idea what’s being advertised. So how will I be able to decipher anything like the first chapter of L. Ron Hubbard’s book? And who the hell calls himself “L. Ron,” anyway? If you want to have a cool space alien or African-American name like Elron, just say it, man. Everybody knows you’re real name is Larry, the catch-all Hollywood code name for “dorky neighbor” or “gullible nincompoop.” Anyway, this could mean trouble for the auto racing world, because any team that beats them might find themselves named in a law suit.

I’m glad I got those things off my chest, and have also finally put the whole Gravatar thing behind me. I really have been having some Serious Thoughts lately, having to do with the meaning of life (well, my life, anyway), but I can’t seem to get around to writing them down. Then there’s that whole forgetting I had a blog thing, too, and the missing head. But I want you to know that I have been reading blogs - all of your blogs and more. I’ve been an active commenter too, here and there, so I feel like I’m doing my part to keep this whole 21st Century CB Radio thing going.

Next time: the Penguin-Ice Cream joke. Maybe.

Congratulations, precious ones!

It was a long wait, but everyone who tried to entertain me by getting their own globally recognized avatar has, at long last succeeded, and may I say I am thoroughly entertained now. You are all beautiful: Theresa, Ron, Blue Girl, Emma Goldman and Blanca (and need I add Laurie, Jayne and Shephard, the original three? I didn’t think so.).

If I had known how long this would take and how frustrating the process would be for some of you, I wouldn’t have brought it up a second time. Although it seems to me that if anyone really loved me they would have paid attention to my first post on this topic, instead of waiting for me to beg.

But, bottom line, Jones is having a thoroughly good time with this, and I thank you all for playing. The second post has so far generated 40 comments, which might be a record for this blog. No doubt most of the comments were just folks typing any old thing, just to see if their new avatar was working yet, even though I think I mentioned in the post and in a comment that you don’t have to do that - your avatar will show up on your existing comments once it’s approved and activated. If you were really just sharing some love, all the better. I salute you and I smooch you. Except where inappropriate. Then I just shake hands with you.

Now go forth to other blogs and impress other, better bloggers than I with your avatars. Just don’t try it on Blogger. And speaking of Blogger - now that I’ve left that fold, I think they should buy gravatar.com and install new servers for it so it wouldn’t take two f*cking weeks to get a picture of yourself on your comments.

And now, here’s my alter-ego, the first picture I took of myself with my web cam, and from which I derived my own avatar.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Krazy-Eyed Killer: