Do Me A Favor

OK, I am the Oldest Blogger and everything, and maybe I’m getting a little crotchety,

Crazy-Eyed Killer

but I have a request, and I hope you’ll all take it in the warm spirit with which it is asked and not get insulted or anything, because God knows I have very little social capital left and I certainly don’t want to squander it on a careless remark. And of course I am not addressing those Precious Few who actually look me up and read this blog on any kind of regular basis, because you are exempt at all times from any criticism here.

But to the rest of you, would you please stop saying “the internets” when you mean “the internet?” Yes, I know, it’s a joke. I get it. You’re misusing the word intentionally, acting like a goober to bring into sharp focus the fact that you are anything but. And oh, how witty and sophisticated it was, the first time. Yes, I got quite a chuckle out of it, the first time I saw it on somebody’s blog, who shall remain nameless.

But it’s old now, people. Get a new joke. Unlike the one about the penguin and the dish of vanilla ice cream, this one is not funny every time. And if you have a blog, there is nothing you can do to convince the world that you are not a geek.

Anyway, that’s it. Oh, one more thing. While you’re at it could you also stop using periods between.every.fucking.word? You know, to add emphasis? We are writing, aren’t we, and we should think of writerly ways to add emphasis. Unless you’re a teenage girl. If you’re a teenage girl, you are probably required to do that period-between-every-word thing at least twice in every post, because, OMG, that’s the way you talk!

Really, that’s all I need to be completely happy in life, so think of the power you hold, to cheer me. And next time you’re writing one of your trademark witty posts, weigh it against the nanosecond of pleasure you’ll get from writing internets.

Not worth it, is it?

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23 Replies to “Do Me A Favor”

  1. Blue Girl! Thanks for stopping by. Of course you are forgiven – revision99 is all about redemption. You’re the first one who has mentioned that Bush said “internets” first. Maybe he did. It sounds like his speech pattern. If you’re right, this makes me kind of lame-o, since I didn’t know. And I watched the debates.

    Regarding your evil typographical sins, please note the gray buttons above the comment box, some of which permit you to create instant emphasis with bold or italic letters. For even more hilarity you can cross out stupid mistakes strike certain words.

  2. Having been in publishing since the ice ages, I have useless knowledge to spout about dashes: There are 3 types, of 3 different lengths, used for 3 different purposes:

    – – —

    hyphen: for compound word or adjectives
    en-dash: to indicate a range in numbers or dates
    em-dash: to indicate a break in thought

    I know. I annoy even myself.

  3. 1. Emma Goldman should be praised highly for getting correct the sequence of punctuation when she put the question mark outside the quotation mark. It is odd that Larry Jones did it wrong, but it only goes to show you that even the greatest creators make mistakes. Perhaps Mr. Jones is making an intentional error, in the way of Islamic carpetmakers who avoid perfection so as not to offend what’s his name. (I’m right, aren’t I, that some of us humans should not use the word “Allah”?)

    2. Dashes are one of humankind’s finest inventions. But they must be correctly and tastefully deployed, and they should never be used more than once in a single sentence.

    3. These are the final words on both matters.

    4. At work I often have to encounter a writer who, when making numbered lists, does this:

    (1.). The first thing is …

    (2.). The next thing is …

    (3.). Thirdly, …

    I submit that my pain and suffering over this vastly exceeds that experienced by all you combined. I have probably made a boo-boo somewhere in all this, but let me say in advance that I did it on purpose.

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