I was watching The Today Show this morning, and they had a segment on what physical traits look attractive to the opposite sex, and why.
I think this was timed as part of a lead-up to Valentine’s Day, but I missed that reference, if indeed there was one. Hasn’t Valentine’s Day gotten out of hand? I mean, really, don’t kill yourself if you don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day, or if your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse doesn’t bring you chocolate or lingerie, or belly dance or do a striptease for you, or give you a back rub or take you out to a dark restaurant, a place so romantic that you can’t even see the food. I know, you’re thinking When will it happen for me? When will it be my turn to be happy? I have no advice for you except to say that you’re not a loser, and Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with True Love. It’s a Hallmark holiday, designed to boost corporate profits. You don’t have to play, and I will always love you no matter what. I know it’s not much, but it’s from these tiny trickles of affection that spring extravagant flowing fountains of fondness.
Anyway, they had like a four-minute segment featuring several scientists and researchers who told us the various paleo-bio-anthropological evolutionary bases of attraction between people. Men want women with small feet, they said, while women the world over prefer men with medium-sized feet. Possible explanations? The woman with small feet is probably of child-bearing age, while the man with not-too-small, not-too-big feet is likely to be better adapted to his environment and more likely to be able to provide for a family.
Pretty flimsy if you ask me, but I guess that’s what passes for science on the morning shows. If you’ve ever read anything about the theory of evolution you know why men would be attracted to women who seem ready and able to make a lot of babies. That’s basic continuation of the species stuff, but I couldn’t help wondering why small feet would indicate child-bearing years. They probably couldn’t come right out with it on The Today Show, but obviously the “scientists” think that very young girls (i.e., women with small feet) were prized as baby-makers. I doubt if cave men bothered to make sure their mates were old enough to commit to a relationship, so that makes some sort of (slightly perverted) sense. But the “men with medium-sized feet” — WTF? It’s hard to imagine cave women — or anyone else — making that particular leap of logic.
One that might make some sense is the shape of men’s heads. Women want a dude with a wide, symmetrical head, and really, they should have one. After all, a symmetrical head has probably not been bashed in, indicating a cave man smart enough to avoid fighting with other, possibly club-wielding cave men. Smart=survival=good. And those high, sloping foreheads? Not very evolved. Good-looking head shapes belong to Will Smith, Justin Timberlake and Brad Pitt, so ladies, that’s why you find those guys irresistible.
Also, it turns out that men are always attracted to women who sway their hips when they walk. Who knew? They had no explanation for this, so the science kind of broke down there for a moment while they showed a bunch of closeup clips of deliciously swaying hips. It was enough proof for me, but does anyone know exactly why such motion would be so provocative? The morning show scientists offered nothing. Conversely, women are attracted to men who walk with a slightly exaggerated back and forth motion of the shoulders — in other words, a swagger. As an example of this walk they showed the opening sequence of “Saturday Night Fever,” with John Travolta strutting down the street to the BeeGee’s “Stayin’ Alive.”
I tried the Stayin’ Alive Swagger on my way out to the car this morning, and I must say it felt good. Masculine. When I walked like that I felt I had the wherewithal to provide for a large family of little cave-children, borne of my lovely 12-year-old cave-babe. I may have kind of a long face, but oh, I can swagger. So all day I practiced my swagger. I’m not really all that macho, of course, since I had to consciously think about it every time I walked anywhere all day, but I think it was working on the women at the office. The company Controller walked by my office door, stopped, backed up and came in to give me Valentine cookies! In the past I have barely been able to get her to say hello to me. And I was just sitting at my desk, not swaggering at all. Such is the power of the swagger — you don’t even have to be doing it for it to work. You just have to be able to do it. Seriously, try this, guys.
I swaggered around all day. The one time I forgot to do it, I was walking toward the reception desk and I was preoccupied reading some stupid memo that someone had just handed me, and when I looked up I realized that the cute little receptionist who starts at 4 o’clock was there, and she was watching me. Watching me walk like a dork, not swaggering, and with dismay I saw my chance to make many, many babies with her go swirling down the drain of evolutionary dead ends. Sure, she’s 21, a little too old to totally ensure the preservation of my line, but she’s got small little feet and she’s so cute I would have risked it, and I might have had a shot, if only I’d remembered to swagger.
When will it be my turn for happiness, damnit?