Category: Life

I pretty much can’t stand to hear any more about the Israeli-Hezbollah brouhaha.

I think the thing to do now is to encourage them to fight it out to the finish, but make ’em use only weapons they built themselves. No F-16’s, no katyusha rockets, no M-16’s or Kalashnikov rifles, and definitely no cluster bombs. That would leave just Uzi’s and car bombs, so the combatants would have to walk or drive right up to each other. My hope is that at close proximity they’d recognize their common humanity, lay down their arms and go to Starbucks for lattes (decaf for the Muslims, of course).

What is wrong with those people having a war in the desert, ten days into a worldwide heat wave? Isn’t it bad enough just living in the desert? And hey – worldwide heat wave? Didn’t we just have one of those a couple of years ago? Killed all those elderly French people? I bet they’ve got air conditioners over there this year (French readers, please let me know. So I won’t worry.). Too bad the cows in Fresno don’t have AC in the barn.

Locally, due to the worldwide heat wave, I nearly had an underpants crisis. Shocking, I know, but it’s a dangerous world, and I live very near the edge of it. It’s been so f*cking hot in my town for the past two weeks that I’ve had a few multiple shower days. I’d get all sweaty reading blogs or washing the car, then I’d cool off by taking a nice refreshing shower. After that, who wants to put on the sweat-drenched previously-worn boxer briefs, even if I’d only been wearing them for twenty minutes? Not me, let me tell you, so I’d have to get a fresh pair out of the drawer cuz there’s no way I’m going without, damn the consequences.

Boxer briefs are the perfect undergarment for me. I can’t make up my mind about anything: Hunter or vegan? Musician or wage slave? Mozart or Beethoven? PC or Mac? Boxers or briefs? I don’t know how long the boxer brief has been around, but I made the switch this year. Committed fully to them. Hybrid underpants. Snug like briefs, long like boxers. Sure, they look ridiculous, but no more than like bicycle pants, and those are worn right out on the street. The important thing is I didn’t have to decide which way to go. Boxer briefs. The best – and worst – of both worlds.

And under ordinary weather conditions I have enough boxer briefs to get me from laundry day to laundry day. One a day is usually enough, since I almost never have those embarrassing “accidents” any more. But what with the frequent bathing (because of the worldwide heat wave) it was touch and go near the end of the current laundry cycle and it looked for a while like I might have to go back to those shiny acrylic bikinis I got during the Reagan administration. I don’t mind saying I was down to one shower a day there for the last few days.

But you’ll be happy to know that I made it, and all is well now. I had to remain perfectly motionless for the past 48 hours, but I again have a drawer full of fresh, fluffy folded underpants, so when you see me, you will know that I am modestly but stylishly underclothed.

Speaking of underclothed, here’s a story about the latest way to beat the worldwide heat wave: Tubing on the river, with strippers! I especially like the city councilman who is worried because, he says, they “…are trained to take off their clothes.” Hooah.

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*Yes, I am f*cking censoring myself, bcause it turns out that words may have powers of their own, and you can’t be too careful.

This is not really writing.

It’s only typing. Actual writing does not seem to be a possibility for me lately. I’m distracted by everything. Maybe there is too much information about the world available to me, but I am frazzled thinking about all the things that seem to be going wrong.

Like that multi-train bomb attack in Mumbai. When did it stop being Bombay, anyway? And when did it become accepted procedure to make your political point by indiscriminately killing and maiming unarmed civilians who don’t even know what you want and are not involved in preventing you from getting it? I can’t face the story. Are the bombers proud of themselves? What kind of asshole would be high-fiving back at the secret headquarters over such a brutal and outright chickenshit act? I can’t hear this news. My mind freezes when I think about it, and I can’t even recall if I’ve heard what it is that the bombers say they want, or what they are protesting, or if they’ve spoken up at all.

And what about the Supreme Court saying that the U.S. government has to treat all prisoners humanely, according to the Geneva Convention? What the walking fuck is that all about? I’ve been a loser in my political hopes and dreams for so long that I can’t believe my side – the good guys – seem to have come out on top of this one. It’s only a tiny skirmish, sure, but it seems to be for real: The Supreme Court! Still, I am mistrustful. Maybe it’s some kind of a trick, something Karl Rove dreamed up in cahoots with Chief Justice Roberts over cognac and cigars in the back room of an exclusive Virginia bistro, alone in the dark with the curtains drawn, under high security. Something that can be used as an OctoberSurprise to turn the midterm election around and increase the Republican majority in Congress. I am circling this story like a coyote in a hungry, suspicious pack, not sure if the wounded prey might still be strong enough to defend itself, or if it’s time to eat. Is this the beginning of the fall of the neocon takeover, or just a kooky anomaly? I shouldn’t be thinking this way, but I am muddled.

And I don’t care about the three Israeli soldiers who were kidnapped, any more than I give a shit about whether or not Israel is “overreacting” in it’s response. I feel only despair when I see this new violence taking place, and it doesn’t matter who is bombing whom. It just makes me think that there will never be an end to this crap, no matter how we pray, no matter how many world leaders act like they hate war. This particular conflagration is based, somewhere way back in time, on religious animosity, as so many wars are. You can talk about your political alliances and why Iran or Syria might be getting somethng out of this, or why doesn’t the Lebanese government rein in Hizbollah, or can’t the UN do something, but the bottom line seems to be that Muslims hate Jews. Maybe Jews hate Muslims, too. I know that’s not politically correct to speculate about, so fucking picket my house if you want to. I’ll bet Jews are capable of stupid, blind, murderous hatred just like the rest of us. My brain won’t track this story, either. Wait: Are we in Northern Ireland? Vietnam? Indonesia? Chad? Iraq? Somalia? If it’s Sunday there must be mindless bloodshed somewhere.

My job, and thus my life, has turned to shit. I can’t ignore it any more, which is something I used to be able to do. Really, of all the things I can’t write about, I probably could write best about this subject, but I am too identifiable on this blog, and the things I would say about my company would be offensive to my superiors and coworkers alike, and I would either get beaten up or fired, probably both. So I’ll have to find a different venue for that particular rant, and probably my supportive friends will never see it.

So I have gone in with another guy (my brother) and bought a PA system, and I am getting together on Saturday afternoons with some other players in my living room and I am taking out my frustrations on my guitar. So far we have jammed on the three hottest Saturdays of the year, and my house is not air conditioned. But it’s the only therapy I know how to do on myself.

I hope it works.

Another week and I still don’t feel like writing.

It’s been hot in Southern California. Not like that time in Yuma, when it didn’t drop below 90 degrees 24 hours a day for the whole five weeks I was there. You’d wake up at 10 AM and it would already be pushing a hundred. You could get sunburned in ten minutes while submerged in the motel pool. Not me, of course. I don’t get sunburned, thanks to my eastern European swarthiness. Fleas don’t bite me, either, maybe for the same reason. The agent said if I did good in Yuma in July, she’d see about getting me some gigs in Alaska for the winter. I did pretty good there.

I met Debbie there that summer. Just a little thing in tight jeans and a big cowboy hat, but she drove a three-quarter ton Dodge pickup. If you’re driving a pickup just for show you get a one-ton. If you want a work truck, something to haul fertilizer or tile or two-by-fours, a half-ton will do. My first day off, Debbie picked me up at ten in the morning by driving her truck into the gravel turn-around at the motel and honking for me, several times. I was already sweating when I got out to the truck and read her bumper sticker: WHEN IN DOUBT, WHUP IT OUT. She handed me a longneck as we spun out of the driveway, throwing gravel through the fence and into the pool.

I felt so cheap.

It hasn’t been that hot here, but I think it might have hit 90 degrees in Long Beach today. I took a vacation day, so I could be home instead of in my air-conditioned office. I saw the national holiday coming up on the calendar, and the weekend just ahead of it, and that pesky Monday was the only thing standing in the way of a four-day weekend for me, so I zapped it with a Vacation Request Form. We’ve got a new Head Guy where I work, and I think mine was the first VRF he’d seen. He was recruited from outside HugeCorp, so he doesn’t know about all the stupid rules and forms we have. He gave me the standard half-joking bullshit about why do you want a day off, don’t you like it here, blah, blah, blah, but I didn’t play, and he was faced with signing it on the spot or appearing to be indecisive in front of a lesser human being (me), so he signed. I should have given myself a raise while I was at it.

So my third consecutive day of freedom, I sat alone in my hot house, and got nothing done. I seem to be paralyzed. Thoughts parade through my brain, and it’s an interesting show, but I don’t seem to care enough to grab one of them and wrestle it to the ground. I felt fatigued, though I haven’t done much lately. I felt uninspired, though the ideas are almost tangibly floating around in the room. I felt helpless, though my hands are not bound.

I feel frustrated, and vaguely disgusted. If I get a handle on this (see title of post), I’ll write it here. In the mean time, thanks to you Precious Few who have continued to comment, though I have become sporadic, and more boring than ever. My heart beats sporadically for you.

Stalkers: This is not me.

The guy in the second paragraph. Leave him alone. He’s not guilty. I’ve never even been to Pittsburgh. Also, my oath to the Vikings would preclude me operating on this particular patient. Nothing personal, you understand. Just benign neglect.

Because sometimes, you just need to laugh.

I don’t remember where I first heard this joke. I think my brother told it to me. It was long and convoluted, and when I started telling it, it kept getting longer and convoluteder. I think this was partly because the setup has to be just right for the punchline to work, and partly because I knew I was going to crack up before I got to the end and be unable to utter the final words, so I was always playing for more time, trying to choke back the guffaws. In fact, if you’re like me, when you repeat this, you will probably find yourself falling apart on the next-to-last line of the joke, the one that sets up the payoff, because it’s funny in itself, and because you will not be able to not think of the next line.

It comes off way better when you hear it rather than when you read it – it’s that kind of a joke – so, because I spare no effort for you, the Precious Few who read this blog, I have a video presentation, for your chuckling pleasure. The guys in the video get right to the point because, unlike me, they’re joke-telling professionals.
Now without further ado, I give you…

Wow, I forgot I had a blog!

My head has been in the sand. Well, not in the sand. I don’t know where it’s been. You know how it is – you get busy doing something else, then when you turn back, your head is gone. Off who knows where, doing who knows what with who knows whom. That’s what happened to me, and I still haven’t found my head. I have nothing to say, and everything. I won’t be able to fit it all in, though, so here’s some Random Jottings:

• I am freaked out that down in San Diego, where Republican Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham got caught taking bribes and is actually doing time, they went ahead and elected another Republican to take his place. I was hoping the voters there would be sending a message to the Repubs that the party is over. But it’s a Republican district, and I guess reality has yet to set in there.
• I heard Billy Collins, former Poet Laureate of The United States, on Fresh Air (NPR) this evening. He’s an interesting guy, and one of the things he said was that he likes to get bored. The reason for this is that he has discovered that his bursts of creativity always follow periods of no action. He thinks he needs to have nothing going on for a while, and then his mind starts working on his art. I’m not sure this same formula would work for me, but hey- he’s the (former) Poet Laureate. Maybe there’s something I can learn from him. I’ve always assumed I could live my life any way I wanted, allow an unlimited number of distractions, porn stars, copulating possums, stick people on the backs of SUV’s, and then sit down at a moments’ notice and write a snappy new song. Since that hasn’t been working for a while, maybe I need to try and figure out what are the best conditions for me, and then see if I can precipitate some creative juices.
• I am shocked, shocked, that the Republicans have brought up gay marriage as an issue going into the midterm election season. Now that the evil, godless Democrats (along with seven apparently godless Republicans) have blocked the Senate from approving a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, the GOP can use it as a club to beat up liberals all the way to the polls this November. Jeez, can you guys be any more transparent? You don’t care about these things except at election time. And we know that you know that almost nobody else cares about them either – just a rabid minority of religious, bigoted right-wingnuts who will go out and vote for these wacky proposals and what’s this? Democrats on the ballot? Out with them!! I keep thinking this can’t possibly work again, but the voters keep shocking me. Is there some way I can denounce this behavior without implying that the electorate, whom I love, truly, is just plain stupid?
• There are twenty-six bones in the human foot, mine included, and I guess I am going to break them all, one by painful one, before I am through, which must be coming pretty soon now. However, the Ace Bandage will have to go down as one of the great inventions of humankind, right after clumping kitty litter.
• There are firings going on at work now. Our know-nothing corporate masters are “making some changes,” so what was previously just low morale has degenerated into abject fear. The Executive Manager is a dead man walking, and the underlings he brought with him are very nervous. People are gathering their personal items together, just in case. Account reps are slipping quietly into my office and casually inquiring if it would ever be possible to get the computer to spit out a list of their clients, with phone numbers and mailing addresses. Those who are not afraid are disgusted. Others, like me, are too numb to be anything other than bemused. Wish me luck, people, or I may be coming to live with one of you.
• Hey, those wacky Scientologists are entering NASCAR racing! I can never read the stuff that’s screened onto the hoods of those cars. They’re moving, what? a hundred and fifty miles an hour, aren’t they? If it weren’t for the easily recognizable colors and logos of the various sponsors/purveyors of alcohol and tobacco, I would have no idea what’s being advertised. So how will I be able to decipher anything like the first chapter of L. Ron Hubbard’s book? And who the hell calls himself “L. Ron,” anyway? If you want to have a cool space alien or African-American name like Elron, just say it, man. Everybody knows you’re real name is Larry, the catch-all Hollywood code name for “dorky neighbor” or “gullible nincompoop.” Anyway, this could mean trouble for the auto racing world, because any team that beats them might find themselves named in a law suit.

I’m glad I got those things off my chest, and have also finally put the whole Gravatar thing behind me. I really have been having some Serious Thoughts lately, having to do with the meaning of life (well, my life, anyway), but I can’t seem to get around to writing them down. Then there’s that whole forgetting I had a blog thing, too, and the missing head. But I want you to know that I have been reading blogs – all of your blogs and more. I’ve been an active commenter too, here and there, so I feel like I’m doing my part to keep this whole 21st Century CB Radio thing going.

Next time: the Penguin-Ice Cream joke. Maybe.

I live near cemeteries.

Ghosts walk my street, always behind us, just around the corner, with cries we cannot hear, wounds we cannot bind, restless hungry ghosts. It’s too late for them, their time is past, we have covered them with the earth and made up stories about their lives, how they were loved and honored, and we shed real tears not for them but for our memories of them, our twisted memories, how they would have wanted it, yes, they would have wanted it just this way, vengeance for their deaths, proof for their lives. They faced the enemy, they saved the world, their flesh was torn, the glory and the horror burned their eyes, and yes, they would have wanted it this way. We will follow them down, our holy dead, and we will kill for them, and we will be killed, and in this way we will honor them.

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Can I get a little sympathy here?

I am the oldest of five kids in my family. As if that in itself isn’t burden enough, I was born at the end of October (no, not this past October), or about six weeks after school started. By the time I was four years old, I had a sister and a brother and another baby sister. It was a Catholic family, OK? My parents probably felt bad because they only had four kids in four years. (Another would arrive soon, but that’s a different story.)

So I was four, but because I would be turning five in a month and a half, my parents were given the choice of starting me in kindergarten at that tender age, or waiting until the following year, when I would be better prepared emotionally and physically to take on the rigors of kindergarten. Blitzed as they were by their self-created deluge of babies, what they decided was “Let’s get this one out of the house as soon as possible.” They probably would have let me get my own apartment if I’d wanted to, as long as they had one less toddler to worry about for a few hours a day. As it turns out, this was a bad decision.

I was not a big kid to begin with. And because of the bum’s rush my parents gave me out of the house at the age of four, all the other kids were older than me, anywhere from a few months to almost a whole year. A whole year! The fact that I was a genius would not come into play until late in high school. What matters to kids is self defense, and everybody, girls included, was bigger than me. So I was in the hole from day one. I just wasn’t big enough to compete in the vicious world of little kids. Throughout my formative years I was surrounded by peers who were a year older, a year bigger, a year stronger than me. We’re all grownups now and we can laugh at our childhood trials and frustrations, right? But when you’re in Little League in fourth grade and you’re throwing like a third-grader, you’ve got a world of hurt, let me tell you.

Of course, at the time I didn’t know why all the guys were studlier than me, or why all the girls seemed more interested in all the guys except me. I figured this out much later. The light started to dawn when I got cut from the baseball team in eighth grade. Actually, I didn’t get cut so much as told not to try out. By the coach. I’m sure he said something along the lines of “The roster is already set – we just don’t need any more players. Try out next year, why dontcha?” But since the school only went up to eighth grade, I figured he was blowing me off.

A guy’s got to have some way to salvage a little dignity in a situation like that, and so I came up with the theory that all the other eighth-grade boys were older than me, and thus bigger and stronger than me, and naturally it would be unfair for me even to try to compete with them. Someone might get hurt, and of course that would be me. Over the next several years I honed this excellent excuse, sharpening it to a razor’s edge, but that’s as far as my rationale went at the time, and actually, I started to feel pretty good about not playing baseball, especially when I discovered that Cathy Dinwiddie was not much into sports.

Cathy was Jay Hardin’s girlfriend. Jay happened to be the varsity quarterback, the center on the basketball team and the starting and only pitcher for the baseball team. He was tall for eighth grade – his parents had probably held him out of kindergarten until he was six – and even among the guys who had made the team he looked like an adult. I seem to remember that he had a five o’clock shadow at some of the games, but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Cathy Dinwiddie was one of the smart ones, and this would be the last year that you could be smart and popular, which she was. She was slightly chunky, but at that age you could call it baby fat, and sometime during the school year the equipment had started to arrive. By baseball season it was in obvious evidence. When I picture her standing near the bleachers on the baseball field, pink-cheeked and vaguely blonde, in her plaid pleated skirt, white cotton blouse straining a little at the second button, little blue cardigan and those black-and-white oxfords with the knee socks over her plump, ripe calves… OK, you have to remember I was in eighth grade, people, and so was she.

I was bitter about not making the team, and Cathy was completely bored at the games, and during one seventh inning stretch on a blustery afternoon in April we discovered that we had something in common: we were both cold. In fact, Cathy was literally shivering. In the spirit of chivalry, I contrived to get her wrapped up in my arms and soon we were generating all the heat we needed, right there in the bleachers.

After a while Cathy said she’d like to walk back to the school, a couple of hundred yards away, and get her jacket from her locker. The bad news for me was that she’d no longer be “cold.” The good news was that I could walk her back to her locker, which seemed like a good idea since Jay had begun glaring at me between pitches, and he already had the first two batters out. Or maybe he’d just been looking in for a sign from the catcher. Considering what I ws doing with his girlfriend, I thought a walk to the school – before the inning was over – would be best.

I had no intention of returning to the game, and as it turned out, neither did Cathy Dinwiddie. We strolled back to her locker, and we held hands, and the wind died down a little and everything I said made her laugh, and her green eyes sparkled and the animals came out from their hiding places in the woods and gazed fondly at us, two beautiful young lovers in Catholic school uniforms who had somehow found each other, against all odds, through the crush of humanity, and we were still laughing and talking and touching when her father came to pick her up and he took me home, too, so I got to sit real close to her in the front seat for another fifteen minutes before they dropped me off and the green-eyed look she gave me as I stood outside the passenger window of her father’s car gave me a hardon that lasted all the way until my mom called us to supper.

Cathy went back with Jay the next day at school, which is the way it had to be. By morning I was worried that I might have to fight big Jay Hardin, but when the school bus let me off they were already sitting together in their usual places in the classroom, and it looked to me as if nothing at all had changed. When Cathy saw me, she stared at me for a few seconds, longer than she ever had before, and I thought she was going to say hello or something.

But Jay was making farting noises with his hand in his armpit, a bunch of his friends were snickering, and she finally turned back to him, and when she laughed it sounded completely genuine.

The things I write here are a combination of reminiscences, made-up stories, angry rants, half-baked political theories/complaints, ill-conceived philosophy and expressions of longing.

Sometimes I have an inspiration, and something flows. Often I think I should write something, and I try to force it out, an excercise that doesn’t always work. Most of the time I am aware that I have some readers, and I want to entertain you. Probably that’s because I don’t want to lose you.

There are few enough of you that I can sort of see you all. In some cases I know exactly what you look like, because I’ve seen your picture, but in every case I have an image in my mind, pieced together from your comments here and the things you write on your own blog. I don’t know what I expected when I started this, but I certainly didn’t think it would ever be as personal as it has become. I have actually written posts directly to you, all but calling you by name. I’m sure I have a lot of one-second visitors, next-bloggers who don’t see what they’re looking for, don’t read a word and move on. But I’m just as sure that a small contingent of you check back regularly, read what I write, get it or not, and leave comments to let me know you’ve been watching, and this touches my heart.

I’m not, as some of you might think, a geeky, introverted, antisocial loser. Sure, I spend time with this blog, and more time reading yours, but I also have a job where I am inexplicably well-liked, and real-life friends whom I see socially. I have a wife and a cat, and I take part in household activities. I play guitar and write songs as a hobby.

I tell you these things because I think that I write a lot of downer stuff on this blog, depressed stuff, and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I am pretty even-tempered and cheerful most of the time. But a lot of the things that make me feel like writing are the sad things, the injustice, the sense of loss, confusion and fear. In meatspace* when I find something broken, I fix it if I can, work around it if I can’t and worry (and worry, and worry) if I can’t do either.

That worry often comes out in negative blog-posting, because I’ve worn out my real-life friends and family on certain topics. They just won’t listen anymore, God bless ’em.

But here on revision99, when you see some kind of Jonesian bummer coming, you can skim it and bail if you want, or just skip it all together. Please don’t think less of me just because I can’t contain my angst at this imperfect world we’re forced to live in. Take my negative raps with a grain of salt, a spoonful of sugar and a tongue in cheek, and don’t go away mad, or disappointed in me.

As always, my heart sighs with the joy of just knowing you are there.

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I never know what the hell is going on.

I got lost in my local Big Box store (Costco) the other day, and I found myself in the pharmacy area, amid the bottles of 1,000 Exedrin Extra Strength Caplets, glucosamine and 55-gallon drums of shampoo, and I was trying to find my way out of the maze when I came upon this:

OK, even I didn’t think it was to make your lips explode, but really, how long has this been going on? My high school sweetheart had big lips, and since then I’ve had a thing for the fuller lips, not so much the look as the feel, you know? But I was completely unaware that such a product existed.

So when I got home, naturally, I googled it. Turns out, Lip Explosion does not have a monopoly. In fact, there’s a lot of competition in the non-surgical lip augmentation market. There’s CityLips, Lip Venom, Naked Kiss and Perfect Pout, to name but a few.

I learned from my research that “the most important thing you can do before bed is prepare to plump your pout.” Not sure why, since this stuff only works for a few hours. Oh, wait – is there a naughty connotation there?

I also learned that increased levels of estrogen, such as during ovulation, cause plumper lips, so there you go – all part of God’s Plan.

Now I know all I ever wanted to know about lip plumping, and more. But still, none of it explains this:

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UPDATE, MAY 4 – Warning!! Do NOT google “big lips” at work or in polite company. You have been warned.