Category: Life

Twenty minutes to midnight on a Thursday.

Lately I’ve been conking out at midnight. It’ll probably happen again tonight. I’ll type until it does.

They say the Devil Winds will return this weekend. It’ll be weirdly hot in the daytime, desert-cold at night. Everything that happens now must be looked at as if Global Warming is to blame. Who knows? I can honestly say that I won’t be around to suffer the worst of it. I’m too old. You kids, though — you should be screwing in more CFL‘s, and getting out of those big SUV’s. Ride your bikes to work. I’ve thought about riding a bicycle to work. But it’s fifteen miles. I might be able to handle that much of a ride, but I’d get to work all sweaty and wearing those tight little bicycle shorts. I don’t have locker room facilities there, so I’d look silly all day, and smell, too. It would be a good smell, though. The honest sweat of a hard-peddlin’ man. What the hell — nothing I could do now could make them think I’m any kookier.

The band is taking up most of my non-sleeping, non-eating, non day-gigging hours. I’m having fun, but I miss my bloggin’ buddies. In some ways I’ve missed them since the beginning. By them, I mean “you”. Maybe I’m lonelier than I think I am. Would that be possible? To think you’re not lonely, but actually be lonely? I know I never seem to get enough of people, even though they are maddening, unmanageable creatures. I’m certainly getting my fill of real live people these days, because I am an Entertainer. I sing for them. The ones who don’t like it never tell me. I only hear from the ones who enjoy it, so my head’s getting real big. Sometimes it expands so much that I have to lie down and think of Joe Dimaggio for a while, so it will subside enough to let me get through the door. Ha ha, just kidding. I have to think of Sandy Koufax.

I’ve been a blogger for three years now. I heard about blogs and I started reading them in the summer of 2004, and I developed an unnatural fascination with this one blogger chick named Melissa, and the Presidential election was coming up, which I thought I had important things to say about, so in October of that year I signed up with Blogger and started posting. I was unable to influence the outcome of the election, and I never got anywhere useful with Melissa, who turned out to be sort of an illusion anyway. The following year I wrote a political protest song expressing my feelings about the election (and associated crap), and I’m still going to write a song about Melissa, try to get a little closure there. President Bush will have his presidential library, and Melissa will be immortalized in song.

I think they’d both like that, going forward.

The city never burns.

It’s made of steel and glass, asphalt and concrete. Even the rivers are paved. When there’s a fire here, it’s started with gasoline, fueled by toxic chemicals and old tires. Nature doesn’t have the tools to burn us here in our fortress.

But if you venture outside the walls, as many of us have, if you build your house of sticks out in the canyons or on the surrounding ridges, if you are so brazen and presumptuous as to think that the world owes you a view, of the sea, of the mountains, of the stars at night, then you’d better be ready to run. Spiders will bite you, coyotes will eat your cats, mountain lions will stalk you and poison ivy, Lord’ll make you itch.

We’ll build a road out there for you, and we’ll string wires, and you may feel as if you’re still part of the city, but there are different rules out there. One day all the moisture will be gone from the air, and the trees and brush will get brittle. The animals will be jumpy with foreboding and a hot wind will start to blow in from the desert and the brown, cracked leaves on the ground will start to swirl, trees will bend in half from the roaring wind and after a while one of your wires will fall, spraying sparks, and God help you if you don’t catch it in time.

We’ve put out too many little fires, we’ve tampered with the natural order of things, and we will atone.

Back here on the pavement, I can’t see any fire, except on television, like the rest of the country. I might see more of it because here everything is preempted for fire coverage, hours and hours of pictures of things burning, soot-covered men in yellow suits, water-dropping airplanes and helicopters, reporters on the scene, wearing goggles and face masks, endless reports of road closures and — hooray! — road openings, the Governor giving grim interviews in front of a fire engine while evacuees pour out of the hills, 500,000 of them so far.

It’s like the bad old days of the 1960’s here now. You can see the air. It coats the inside of your mouth and shrouds the sun, casting the city in an orange-grey shadow. Soot and ash are everywhere, but the business of the city, getting and spending, goes on. Yesterday on the freeway on the way to work I saw a mile-long convoy of fire trucks and ambulances going in the opposite direction, in the carpool lane, heading for Orange County, the vehicles painted the many colors of several different fire departments. They were on the other side of the divider, but my side of the freeway bogged down for ten minutes because of it. People have to look. They can’t help themselves.

But I’m fine. The temperature will be below the nineties today, not that I’ve noticed in my air-conditioned office. I’ll be singing for the people tonight. I have a little extra stuff in my throat and lungs, but I think I can do it, and I think the people will ignore the disaster and come out to party.

It’s not the apocalypse. Just a preview.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept:

Reconcile the following two oft-heard statements.

A. “Lift only with your knees.”

B. “The knees are the first to go.”

It was a nice, big stage.

When I was young, trying to make a career of music, I rarely got to play on such a big stage, for such a large crowd. Often I found myself on cramped little bandstands like the narrow little strip of wood at The Flying Jib in Redondo Beach, where I was playing hard rock for two weeks and standing so close to the crash cymbal that a whole range of high frequencies were permanently canceled from my right ear. On the other hand, that’s where I met Diane. But I’ll tell that another time.

Now I was standing with my four-piece band on a stage big enough for a medium-sized orchestra, letting Kevin the sound guy make a few last-minute adjustments, and looking out over an audience of maybe a hundred music lovers, most of whom had arrived in the last fifteen minutes. I was hoping they were music lovers.

It’s hard to explain why I started this band. I quit the business in the mid-eighties, because I needed money and I needed to get away from the near occasion of sin. I was deep in the hole to several banks and the IRS, and I was a bad, bad boy, another story for another time. I had produced a five-year succession of high-quality products, I was working with the best musicians, drinking Stoli by the quart and taking the best drugs. I felt like a rock star. I was this close.

But I didn’t know how to sell it, and I was too selfish to let anyone else sell it for me. In the end I was addicted, depressed, frustrated, angry. I walked away from the whole thing. What the hell, I thought. I can do it all again when I feel like it. Turns out I didn’t feel like it for a long time, and when I woke up, clean and refreshed, the train was gone.

I lived without it for years. I discovered I was married. I had responsibilities. I got a job. I used to call them “day jobs,” but this one went on and on, day and night, night and day. I was wearing neckties, commuting, taking vacations, buying life insurance. In some ways I was back from the dead. In other ways I was dead.

After maybe ten years I started to throw a big party every year, inviting a lot of musicians to come and jam with me. It was a huge thrill for me. I’d re-string the Strat, stock in a lot of beer and burgers and we’d party all night. It would take days to recover from these, and then I’d be a drone again for another year.

One day I found myself shopping for a new guitar. I don’t remember how it started, but I just felt like I needed a new guitar, even though I was hardly playing at all. Once I found the Blackjack and fell in love again, I wondered if a new amp would help the sound any. You can read that story if you click on the link, but let’s just say I ended up with a new guitar amp, and after that I had to find some guys to play with, because, well, that’s what you do with a new electric guitar and amplifier.

I didn’t give the process a lot of thought as I was doing it: re-equipping myself, getting back in practice, finding some players to work with, booking time at rehearsal studios, making an audition CD and finally landing on this stage, looking into the lights, listening to the room hum. But when I think about it now and try to explain it to myself, what I think is that I just didn’t want to die as a drone. I’m not that dour nine-to-five guy shuffling papers. I’ve done it for a long time, but it’s not really me at that desk. I’m an artist. I’m a happy goofball who loves making noise, who’s been there, done that, and wants to share the joy.

Playing rock’n’roll for people is a major rush. Those who think it’s maybe not quite as exciting as skydiving — you should have been there Wednesday night. At ten after eight (I’m always late) I went up to my microphone. My heart was beating very hard and fast. I thought the thumping might be visible through my shirt. The audience seemed to have doubled in size, but I’m sure that was just my imagination. I said “Hi everybody,” and they said “hi” back. I told them the name of the band. I thanked them for coming to hear us.

Then for two hours we played loud and nasty, soft and sweet. It took only seconds for my butterflies to go away. I was proud of the band. They were just tight enough, just raw enough. Here was all the stuff we’d been working on, coming out as we’d hoped, song after song, rockin’ the house. It might be a stretch to call it a triumph — that’ll happen some other time.

But we owned that room and that crowd for those two hours, and for now, I’ll take that.

Pretty much everything happened as it should have.

I started to get jumpy about ten o’clock in the morning. By noon I had serious butterflies. I started to have ridiculous premonitions, scenarios in which I had forgotten all the lyrics, or forgotten to bring my guitar, or the bass player got sick and couldn’t make it. None of these things were the least bit likely to happen, but once I started to think about them they seemed entirely possible, even probable.

For some reason it seemed like a good idea to drink a whole pot of strong coffee in the middle of the afternoon. I sat in my little home studio with an acoustic guitar, downing mug after mug, arranging and rearranging the set lists. You have to pace each set. Open with an attention-getter, up tempo but not frenetic. Maybe keep it up for one more song, drop into some mid-tempo country-ish stuff, kick it up one time before everybody dozes off, then for song number six, a sweet, sweet ballad. Come out of that with something bright but not too heavy, then close with three rockers in a row, increasing the intensity to a big finish at song number ten. Set one.

Set two. Lather, rinse, repeat. Only two sets tonight.

I get withdrawn as showtime gets near. I remember that now. I don’t feel like talking to anybody who is not directly connected with the gig, about anything except the gig. I don’t do this consciously. It’s just the way I feel.

For a couple of hours I work on my guitar parts, completely revamping the solo on one song. I realize that every time I’ve played it in rehearsal, I didn’t know exactly where I was going with it. Now I do. I start to feel better. I’m prepared, as much as I’m going to get, anyway. You can only prepare so much, I tell myself. Then you have to just do it.

Two o’clock. I load the car. Amplifier, guitar cases, duffel bags full of cables, tuners, foot pedals, microphones, mic stands, guitar stands, amp stands. Stolen milk crate full of more of the same. The familiarity of this — and the physical exertion — temporarily relieve my nerves.

I’ve done this ten thousand times, so why am I nervous?

At the venue four hours before the first set. Due to the vagaries of booking, I don’t know any of the club personnel. A woman I’ve never met unlocks the door, lets me in, turns on the lights. Later she switches on the sound system. More employees arrive, but they are all strangers. We’ve been told that the house sound guy won’t be with us tonight. We’re on our own with a strange board and a huge PA system. The board is easy enough to figure out, but nothing works as expected. There’s no easy way to tell where everything is plugged in to it. The hard way would take more time than we have. There is a rack of digital effects, equalizers and compressors. What’s connected to what? I can’t tell.

I plug the mics into the snake up on the stage and go back to the board. In a few minutes I have the drums up, but the drummer keeps stopping. I can’t find a talkback mic, so I go back up to the stage to tell him to just keep hitting the kick until I tell him to stop. I arrive at the same time as the bass player, who is immediately followed by an extremely irate woman whom I have never seen before. She is angry and yelling that she’s in charge of the sound man and the sound man is in charge of the sound, not us, and she would never allow him to turn things up so loud, there’s only one band who is allowed to play that loud, the Zeppelin tribute band and she refuses to be there on the nights they play, because they are too fucking loud, so we just need to turn down, and right now.

I give her my best smile and tell her that we don’t play loud, we’re a vocal band, the instruments are just accompaniment, but we’re not familiar with the sound system, and things will be better in a minute, as soon as we figure out the equipment. She is not mollified. She wants to be the boss of us, but she goes away, for the time being.

I decide to set up my own stuff on stage. The bass player did sound reinforcement in a past life. I’ll let him deal with it. But when the stage is set and we start again to work on the PA, the first woman approaches and tells us, nicely, that it’s too late for this, customers will soon be here, and anyway why don’t we let Kevin the sound guy handle it at seven when he gets here?

Kevin the sound guy. We thought he wasn’t coming. But he is, after all. This is good news, but still I have to shift gears. The band is pissed off at being yelled at and given the runaround. The bass player is talking loud enough for the bitch crabby lady to hear. No sound check, and he took time off work to be here early.

I don’t want a feud with the help. I get everybody together out of earshot and tell them that, for tonight, we are partners with all these people, these strangers. If we do well, they do well. We have to entertain, and they have to help us. Together, our job is to create a big room full of happy customers, enjoying the music and spending money. If that happens — and I know it will — the crabby lady and Kevin the sound guy and all the rest of them will be our best friends, and we’ll all be happy.

Sweating like a bride and nervous as a pig, I dash home to shower and change. I get back to the club at seven. Kevin is not there.

I tune a guitar and put it on a stand on stage, then tune another one just in case. I decide to work the room.

I’m surprised at how many people have showed up. It’s a big room. There won’t be a full house, but jeez, do this many people actually want to hear us? I go from table to table in the big, darkened bar, schmoozing, smiling, thanking. I meet everybody’s friends and spouses, and the names go in one ear and out the other. I never used to do this. I think I thought it was somehow beneath me. I know now that these people are the bosses. They can’t tell me what to play or how to play it, but they can go away and never come back, and I’m determined not to let that happen. I’ll play my ass off for those that care, and put so much butter on the rest of them they won’t even be able to get up and leave.

Kevin shows up twenty minutes before we start. I tell him our setup, what we play, which mics are for lead vocals and background vocals, where I plugged them in, and what I did with the board when I was trying to work it myself. I explain the kind of echo I want to use (sorry, trade secret). He is receptive. He’s worked sound here long enough to know the equipment and the room, not so long as to be bored. Anyway there’s no time left. I have to trust him.

More tomorrow.

I guess I’ve always been a dreamer.

I think of myself as a serious guy, but looking back, maybe I haven’t taken my life seriously. I haven’t made practical choices. I clung too long to the things of a child, and I still resent being grown up. The fact that I have life insurance weirds me out when I think of it, which luckily is almost never.

Things haven’t turned out the way I imagined they would. It’s not so bad, this life I have, but the dreams — well, the dreams haven’t come true. They are now only dreams, having lost that component of hope that they had when I first dreamed them.

Tomorrow night I fire up one of the old dreams — the main one, now that I think of it — and take my rock’n’roll band before a live, paying audience for the first time in, well decades. The time I’ve wasted! I’ve written a few songs, and found some covers that I can sing with a straight face. Think of me on Wednesday at eight o’clock California time. I don’t have any illusions, and very little hope, but I will rock the house.

Because dreams die hard.

So Johnny took off during your birthday party.

[Listen]

Strolled right off into the night with Judy and left you, his “real” girlfriend, shocked and in tears. He was supposed to be yours, wasn’t he? You gave your love to him, and only him, never let any other guys touch your heart, or anyplace else. You daydreamed about him in class almost all day, waited for him after school, defended him when the other girls dissed him, which they did a lot, especially that bitch Judy, she seemed to have a real thing against him. Ha! If you knew then what you know now! Shoulda killed them both, is what you shoulda done.

Playin’ my records, keep dancin’ all night.
Leave me alone for a while.
Till Johnny’s dancin’ with me
I’ve got no reason to smile.

Cause now look: Your Sweet Sixteen party, streamers and balloons all over the rumpus room, Mom and Dad coolin’ it up in their room, trusting you, as they should because you’re a good girl. Half the junior class is there, stacks of 45’s loud on the Magnavox hi fi, Dad’s pride and joy, blasting Frankie Avalon and the various Bobby’s, all the kids dancing, all the kids looking, and where’s Johnny? And where’s Judy, the snotty little priss?

Judy and Johnny just walked through the door
Like a queen with her king.
Oh what a birthday surprise:
Judy’s wearin’ his ring!

Go ahead and cry, sweetheart. I would cry, too, if it happened to me. I mean, you thought you knew Johnny. Gosh, you thought you knew Judy, too, come to think of it. How could you have been so wrong? How could Johnny be so mean? You must have felt like the pain would never go away. Right in the middle of all that noise, all that action, on your Big Day, your 16th birthday, your special day, the day you knew you were finally a woman, right in the middle of all that, you are suddenly alone, and not just alone, but shunned!

You must wonder if there’s something wrong with you. You feel so mixed up, so rejected, so humiliated, and right in front of everybody. You think you will never live this down.

Johnny’s a weasel. Don’t give him another thought. Johnny and Judy, Judy and Johnny. They deserve each other! They should get married as soon as possible. Yeah, let ‘em get hitched and have kids. They’ll be stuck in hell, which is right where they belong. They don’t really love each other, not with the kind of love you’re capable of, and they’ll wake up after it’s too late. They’ll be livin’ in a dump by the river, and Johnny’ll be working at the A&P, a stone chain smoker and a doper with shaky hands. Judy’ll be home with the kids and a fifth of cheap gin, drunk in the afternoon, distant on the night before.

Oh, yeah. Don’t give it another thought.

UPDATE: Thanks to my copy editor friend Dana for telling me the correct spelling of “Lesley.”

You might not notice my lack of posts, but…

…I have left home for a week and am secluded in an undisclosed Northern California location. I’ve been here for three days now, relaxing, and it’s a different guy who peers back at me out of the mirror in the bathroom. A guy whom I like somewhat better than the regular, day-to-day Jones.

I won’t go on right now. Just checking in with the Precious Few who might read this. I am off to see what’s on the end of this road, and why the Auto Club map of Northern California doesn’t include Sacramento or San Francisco.

But who cares, really?

Sometimes I just have to bite my tongue.

Once, a long time ago, when a waitress asked me if everything was OK, I told her “No — look at the mess in Bosnia-Herzegovina! My God, it’s humanitarian disaster!”

No one in the room, including the waitress, thought this was funny. Or they didn’t know what I was talking about — I always have to consider that possibility. The people at my table were embarrassed, for me or the waitress, I wasn’t sure. In any case, the incident taught me to keep my mouth shut when these stupid thoughts occur to me.

So tonight when the checkout guy at Trader Joe’s asked me if I’d found everything I was looking for, I did not say “True enlightenment? No, I haven’t found that yet. But I will continue my quest, thank you.” I said,”Yeah, I guess so,” or something like that.

Everybody was happy, and the checker grinned and asked “Paper or plastic?”

If you’re an aspiring musician looking for a name for your new band,

…you may need to look no farther than your email inbox. Today I received otherwise useless messages from:

• Elusive Toothpick,
• Campanile Cross and…
• MegaDik

to name but a few.These would all be excellent band names, I think, but I have a question: Do the spammers really think I would send my bank account information to someone named Elusive Toothpick, even if they have approved my loan application?